“The Foreskin Tactical Hoodie is perfect for outdoorsmen and army-man dress-up parties. It is not for doing stuff women normally do, like yoga, crying, or watching ‘Heated Rivalry.’”

“The only place in the city where you can pay between $63 and $74 to watch your children come perilously close to spinal injuries and hepatitis A—all to the booming hits of Marshmello.”

The Dad Roar
You scream the word “ACHOO” at ninety decibels. You add vowels that aren’t there. Apparently, you want everyone at Safeway to know you possess a diaphragm and a failing marriage.

“Meat would be healthy, but it’s full of microplastics. Fruits and vegetables would be healthy, but they’re doused in pesticides. Play it safe with a diet of powders, potions, shakes, and sludge. The healthiest foods come from cardboard boxes you can order on your phone.”

“You think you’re watching an ICE agent murder an innocent woman, but what you’re really watching is a federal agent being the victim of a domestic terrorist.”