• Third Grade Teacher Sighs, Helps Lost Cause With Long-Division Problem

  • Area Mom On Phone From Costco, Wants To Know Your Pant Size

  • Man Even Sore From Half-Assing It

  • Jerk Already Knew That

  • Disgusting New McDonald’s Sandwich Not Bad

  • Kraft Unveils High Fructose Corn Syrup Snack Cup

  • Buddy Vouched For

  • Weather Not Deemed Too Shitty For Delivery Guy

  • Car Windows Rolled Down To Let Out Shitty Music

  • Child Gains Upper Hand After Discovering Highlighted Parenting Guide

  • Anger-Bottling Factory Explodes

  • Babysitter Hoping Family Not Keeping Track Of Fudgesicles

  • Role Model Slept With

  • Upper Hand Gained, Lost During Course Of Sentence

  • Evolution Textbook Hidden Under Mattress

  • Block Party Watched Through Curtains

  • Pounding From Car Trunk Growing Fainter

  • Casting Director Casts Self

  • Turtle Dials 911 An Hour Too Late

  • Visible Part Of Baguette Consumed On Way Home


  • Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses

The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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